At present, I am pregnant. I mean, really, really five-days-past-my-due-date pregnant. And if you've ever been in my shoes, you know the discomfort of this and perhaps the anxiety. It's a good thing I only have residue of the control issues I used to have in my life because this would be even more challenging than it is already. This, I've come to realize, is way beyond me.
I suppose it's a good problem to have, but I have countless people in my life who give a crap and want to know how I'm doing. It's all very well-intentioned, but if one more person asks me, "so, where's that baby?" I may cry. I control my sarcasm because these are people I love I'm talking to...but that baby is exactly where it's been for the last nine months. Snug and warm in my enormous uterus. I've told people I'll be sending out a text message when she gets here, but the many texts, phone calls, facebook messages and emails haven't stopped. This, creates more anxiety. (And if you're one of the people who has been asking, this post is not to make you feel bad, but just to talk about my own anxiety over the situation! Thanks for loving me as you do...) Whilst not one of them is insinuating I'm failing at something, there's something in me that says I'm failing at this. That my "plan" wasn't....planney enough and therefore isn't happening. Or that I should have more control over this thing that I don't. As it stands, and perhaps you remember, I wanted a home birth and wasn't able to get that. We just couldn't find someone we could affford (and honestly, now that she may be late and require induction or c-section, I'm sort of happy about that. I don't think midwives give you a refund! Hey, everything happens for a reason!) As a digression and update to that point, I found a doctor I love and am happy with the hospital we'll be at...after finally being able to change insurance companies during open-enrollment...
Yeah, so there have been countless things beyond my control during this process and I have to continually remind myself it is SO not about me. Eating enough, gaining 40 pounds, 5 different blood draws, 300 times peeing in a cup, a brief hospital stay, 2 months of no-work bed rest...all of these things were beyond my control and the first things I did for my child. And that's ok. Waiting past my due date and potentially not having the airy-fairy natural birth I envisioned are and may be, now on my list of things. There will be bigger things on the list as the years go by, I am certain. And that's the other thing I need reminding of: this is just the beginning; a drop in the parental bucket. This is probably the briefest of things, this waiting beyond the anticipated due date. There will be childcare and doctor's visits and school and high school and college and who-knows-what. If anything, I think often that while I'm done being pregnant, at the same time, this is the safest I will ever be able to keep her. I know where she is, what she's eating...who she's hanging out with 24/7.
Anyway, this whole thing is so enormous to me, this having a child. It is amazing to me that people go into it on a whim...or that teenagers will often do it on purpose. I feel at 36, I am still questioning if I will ever be ready to be someone's mother...and the answer better be yes because I'm on the train and it's next stop is motherhood, yo.
(That's me at 35 weeks....yep, I've gotten bigger!)