Let's bring back the commune, shall we?

I was parked in the 7-11 parking lot the other day, waiting for my husband to get his zero-calorie vitamin water and a scratch ticket, when I noticed a man saddling up to the RedBox right in front of the store.  And it struck me---people don't want to interact with people anymore.  I mean, I think I knew this, given the amount of numbers I have to press when calling my insurance company; if they can get away with giving me an automated answer, they certainly will.  But, we were in Fresh & Easy the other day (recommended by my friend Jessica who said it was just like Trader Joe's but with Coke!) and we didn't interact with anyone but the woman giving out samples of crackers.  ALL of the registers are do-it-yourself....and then this RedBox thing! Don't walk into a store and interact with (gasp!) PEOPLE!!!!  Just swipe your card, get your movie and run home like it never happened!  Maybe it's a product of the over-population factor...there are just TOO MANY people to interact with people anymore.  But then, there all of these people unemployed...so it leads me to believe it's just us.  Just us closing ourselves off to other humans.

Have you noticed all of the illness/ pollution/ struggling out there lately? Because I have.  I've noticed the people who come get a massage and tell me it's the only time in their life they're touched.  It's tragic, really, and I can't imagine.   I think we weren't meant to live this solitary lifestyle we've all so proudly set up.  I think, like dogs, we're really pack animals.  There are studies that show people who have more than 3 different groups of friends get sick less.  That babies who are held more frequently and have skin to skin contact are less likely to become serial killers.  There are reasons for this and it comes down to human-to-human contact.  We were meant to live with one another; helping each other pay the mortgage, raise the kids, make the food.  We were meant to socialize and sing together.  A one man band, while slightly entertaining, is no match for a 6 person band (Alright Alright!!!)  because it takes a village to create something cool.  Sure, there are artists who create amazing things all the time solo, but a lot of them go nutso.  Just sayin'.  So many folks I know are losing their homes, struggling to work and raise the kids, are depressed because they live alone...and I think a good old fashioned fucking commune is in order.  Or, at least, an intentional community.  Let's all pitch in and buy 10 acres of land and build some little houses on it...have a community farm...a social space for art and music.  We'll grow our own food, live off the grid and cook some amazing meals together.  We'll only have one veggie-fueled car and when we want to rent a friggin movie, we'll make it a Blockbuster night so that person can keep his job.  We'll have our own little space, but have spaces we share so that we're not doing it all alone.  We'll live long happy lives and our children will always have this great extended family to learn from.  It'll be swell....what do you say?  I'm eyeballing Topanga and I'm talking to YOU.

I know I sound like a dirty hippie.  I'm just tired of the traffic, the illness, the hopelessness I see around me.  People were all pumped up in electing Obama with their "Yes we can"  and I'm wondering if everyone still feels like they're able.  I'd like to harness that energy and throw it into an intentional community, a commune, a cooperation-station.  We need someone who can teach me how to sew...do you know anyone like that?

Pregnant and bloated is the new black.

13 weeks.  That's how pregnant I am.  And yet...it feels like I've been growing this person for years.  I can't believe there's six more months yet.  And it was intentional and I'm grateful, but I feel as though I fall into the grass is always greener category of women.  I would see pregnant women smiling through the grocery store and hate them because I wasn't them.  And now, I see that bachelorette, Ali, in her skimpy bikinis galavanting in Tahiti as I suck on my frozen Mango pop, my breasts taking over my body, and the bloat stopping me from enjoying most things I eat...and I hate her for being so skinny and free.

Ah, how we are never quite satisfied.

Before I was married, I envisioned myself as that barefoot and pregnant woman who adored growing people.  I assumed one day I would even do it for other people.  "What? Having trouble getting knocked up?  Borrow MY uterus for awhile! Sure! Why not??"  And now that the little guy is actually in there, I feel like I'd be ok if someone just handed him to me and I could eat Shahi Paneer again without gagging.  Maybe it will improve in the next few months.  I'm looking forward to the little person getting bigger so I can at least feel the kicking and discomfort on a different level.  And crap, if I'm going to be complaining about how uncomfortable I am, I should at least have something to show for it.

Along with my distaste for all things edible these days comes an unprejudiced hatred for my wardrobe.  It's not even that things don't fit me yet; they mostly do.  I just can't stand anything I own anymore.  But buying new clothes seems silly, given that I'm just going to out-grow them in a few months' time.  It's too soon to get maternity clothes and I don't feel good about spending the food budget on cotton anyway.   So it's gray sweats and t-shirts these days because those items don't accentuate the baby-induced muffin-top I've been rocking.

Nothing in this life has made me feel my age as much as getting pregnant.  And I knew it would.  At 34 I looked at my husband and gave him the "it's now or never" speech about getting preggo.  And now, as it turns out, I'll be 36 when I deliver our child.  I'm not a fan of my Ob/Gyn who, on our very first visit, told us we "need" to do genetic testing because I'm 35.   Ah, 35...the number at which people carrying babies are deemed old.   (By the way, I'm not doing genetic testing.  It's not for me.  This kid is ours no matter what kind of weirdo things s/he winds up with. We already know she'll have a proclivity towards the super-natural and most likely be born holding a light-saber and by golly, I'm going to love her anyway.)

With learning I'm having a baby has come the mourning for things I never was. (Hence, this blog. Lucky you!)  The actor, the teacher, the circus performer...the professional traveler, the game show host...sigh.  So many things to be in so little time.  And yet, when I find myself overwhelmed by things I could or should be doing in my time off, I grab a sack of potato chips and do nothing.  Nothing conquers indecision like procrastination.  And besides, "if you can't achieve it in 20 minutes, it's probably not worth doing."--Al Fontaine, circa 1999.  But I digress...What I SHOULD be focusing on are things I am now and am becoming. Like a Mom.  I've cared for other people's kids for so long it seems I've become numb to the fact that I'm going to have my own.  None of them have ever called me "Mom," nor have I been the one they cried for.  So really, here I am gearing up for that.  I get to do all the work I ever did in raising a kid, only now I don't get paid. BUT--I DO get to be the one the kid freaks out for when I walk out the door..and I'm looking forward to the shoe being on that foot.