Tuesday, June 21, 2011

So I had this baby....

I had that baby I was pregnant with. Almost 4 months ago now.  I still feel a bit like I'm living in a bubble and things have taken on a surreal, dreamy quality I can't describe properly.  I'm breastfeeding this baby because I want her to have whatever immunity I've got to give her against the world's bad stuff...and it's cheaper than formula.  And I touch her a lot because studies have shown that babies who are touched more often than not have a greater chance of NOT being a serial killer.

I just want to raise a person who has a conscience and contributes to the world somehow; in big or small ways.  If she does no harm, I'll be happy.

I've gone back to work, but this time, it's a new work.  I'm a teacher at National Holistic Institute and I teach people how to be massage therapists.  This job, ironically enough, is really pointing out to me how much I don't know.  I guess teaching is like that.  It's nice to have a regular paycheck and hours and such and I get to bum around the house in the morning in my pajamas with this baby becuase I teach at night.  Of course, I rarely see my husband, and that's a pitfall...like my neighbor Alan so bluntly stated, "I hope you guys don't get divorced or anything!"  Me too, Alan....me, too...

I don't imagine us ever getting divorced. We respect each other a whole bunch and do what we have to do for our little family.  And I think that's what makes something work.  But what the hell do I know?  Someone in our life who has been married for 25 years just announced to us that they're separating.  These people seemed so in  love.  Crap, they TOLD us they were so in love...just a few short years ago at our wedding, they "hoped we would still be THIS in love 22 years later!"  And in less than 3 years, what...fallen out of love?  I find it confusing.  And scary.  I feel like....if it can happen to them, it can probably happen to anybody.  But I choose to live in the moment and not cave under the fear.

Speaking of fear...

So having a baby creates a whole new world of fear, doesn't it, kids?  Those of you with them, know, I'm sure.  I'm already scared about her going off to school and having people pick on her...I see cars running stop lights and get scared one is going to run one into ME while that baby is in the car...is she too hot? Too cold? Hungry?  I'm pretty laid back, but still.  College scares the shit out of me.  There will most likely be boys there.

I've had the urge to make lists and I think it's because my brain doesn't work right anymore.  If you've had a baby, ever, then you know of what I speak.

Here's a list of things I want to buy because we need some of them.  And some of them, I just want:

Sofa.    Smartphone to replace my semi-stupid phone.  Computer.  Mattress.  Area rug for both bedrooms.   Clothes that fit and make me feel like I might be cute still.  Haircut.  Shoes that don't hurt my feet.  Plane tickets to tropical location.

The list was longer once.  About an hour ago when I could remember the other stuff I wanted.  But everything costs money and at the moment we need to do things like save for said child's education, etc. 

One of these days I'll write about the birth.  Or tell an interesting story from this other life I used to have.  But for now, I just wanted to say hi and see how everyone is doing.  So, how are you doing?


  1. I love your sweet honesty. I hope to meet Miss Addie very soon! Love you guys.

  2. Thanks, Jaimie. I need to send you my Sweater Steve story, still! And please note: That picture above is of Harvard, everyone.

  3. You have nothing to worry about Jen. You made the "right" choice and followed your heart. I ran from things and thought that I could pretend that I was happy long enough to make me BECOME happy. There's so much you all don't know, but I do know that you will be fine because you have love. I'm so sorry I threw a wrench of doubt in your direction. I admire your honesty and I'm working on that quality myself... take care